Nothing has turned a mirror on my true self more than becoming a mom. And a foster mom. ( Or vice versa. Because technically speaking, I was a foster mom first!) But I have never been so aware of my strengths and weaknesses as a mother, a woman and a role model as I am now. As Savannah grows from the 7 year old daughter we met (and adopted), she is beginning not only to call me out on these things but to model the best and the worst of my own behavior and attitudes. As does Jen. And Shelby. And True. Jude and Rowan too. I see so much of me in them. That I never expected. I think about nature vs. nurture and realize that nurture means SO much. SO SO SO much. As Savannah morphs into a teen, Shelby into a young woman, Jen into an adult, True into an inquisitive first grader, Jude into school years, Rowan into a person with her own thoughts and opinions......Im attempting to capture some prominent realizations, challenges and successes. I have questioned the value of laying out the ugly (and vulnerable) parts of myself to my kids but have found this stage of my OWN personal (and ongoing) personal development a reflective, humbling, (not to mention totally necessary) part of development, self awareness and "growing up". What I've come up with is more of a list. No pics. No funny stories. I thought I was teaching my kids. But they are teaching me. Here is what I've learned. These are the things my kids have taught me. This is what I know.
1. I fear raising disrespectful kids. I want to believe that I can raise respectful, well-mannered children without resorting to spanking them. I was spanked as a kid. Both Eli and I were. And we like to think we can do this without spanking. Personally, neither of us have negative associations with spankings but its something we want to avoid and we like to think we can parent while avoiding spanks. I am fearful that the things we do DO (time outs, groundings, etc) are not as effective as we want them to be. We are HUGE believers in natural consequences and try to hard to give our kids (ALL of them) consequences that are natural but worry that they aren't getting it......we try so hard to be firm and patient. And its hard. REALLY hard. I hope we are doing this right.
2. My kids learn their self worth through me. When I talk about how fat I am, how these awful steroids have caused my fat face, my "buffalo hump", they are listening. When I put down my looks, when I watch TV and make judgements about what someone is wearing--they are listening. (So I cancelled cable). I need to be more aware. And value my sense of self over my looks. Because they are looking, watching and feeling.
3. I need to practice patience. I am constantly reminding myself that they are reacting this way because they are not developed to the adult level of reasoning that I keep thinking they are on. My natural instinct is to hold all my kids to an adult level of reasoning that they have not yet developed. And I am learning constantly to remind myself to learn that they have not yet learned to express themselves in reasonable ways. Firm but patient is easier said than done. And I am learning this. My kids teach it to me. Every day. Every day.
4. I need to stop wagging my finger and scolding. And learn to teach. I saw Rowan wagging her finger at her Barbies. Telling them to behave. To go to their room. To sit on their bed. Until Mummy comes to get them. This is me. This is my daughter copy catting me. I get frustrated, I shake my finger, I lose my cool. And this is what my kids see. And I see my reflection in them.
5. I enjoy technology. Sometimes far too much. I need to unplug. I snap a pic on my phone and Savannah says "hey mom watch this" while Im too busy uploading my Instagram. I need to unplug. More often. And sometimes I find myself communicating with my teens far more often on FB thean we do in in real life. And that's my bad. They're answering me on fb because Im talking to them. I need to enjoy the moment and quit documenting it.
It is an overwhelming task to have the job of shaping the self esteem and well being of another human being. And one that frankly, Im afraid of sometimes.
On a positive note, I know that becoming a mother has made me less oriented in general. I talk with my kids. Laugh more. Care less. Forget more. True and Jude share freely with other children, Shelby and Jen make friends easily, Savannah loves everyone and Rowan is such a free spirit. They are all fearless and protective of one another and have a fearless approach to their lives. Every day with them is this microcosm of all the most beautiful and challenging parts of human nature. And they are all learning to discover the flood of emotion that comes with age and discovery and I am learning to harness my feelings and doubts of doing right by them. But they are mine and I take all the credit. And Im proud of them. Sometimes I feel like our successes are purely by luck. And that in my limited experience of parenting, that being the mom of a pregnant 19 year old planning to give up her baby , confused 15 year old, frustrated 13 year old, inquisitive 5 year old, and 2 joyful 4 year olds (plus 6 more confused teenage foster daughters) that I regret how I act. That I mess up. And feel like Im stumbling along. Even though I pretend to know what Im doing. That Im more like my kids that I thought. That really we are a reflection of each other. This is what I know.
